What is Ethical Non-monogamy? Power, Prioritization, and Fidelity

Ethical Non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy, also called consensual non-monogamy, is an umbrella term for all the safe and consenting relationships beyond monogamy. This includes a spectrum of polysexual relationships with more than one sexual partner, and polyamorous relationships, which have more than one romantic partner. 

While sexual and romantic affection can certainly blur together or shift from one to the other, they’re worth differentiating to clarify intentions, boundaries, relational needs, and conceptualization of self.

Consider how some couples “open up” their relationship to allow for new sexual partners but draw the line at romantic attachment. Some monogamous people may even engage in sex with multiple partners when they’re single or just looking for a fling. 

In 2011, Dan Savage, author and co-founder of the LGBTQ + suicide prevention It Gets Better Project, coined the term “monogamish” to describe ethical extramarital connections. Notably, polysexual behavior is distinct from a polysexual identity, since it’s one thing to have a few hook-ups, and another to know that you, as an individual, need more than one sexual partner in your life. 

Sadly, polysexual people are often “slut-shamed,” or overtly objectified by “unicorn hunters” looking for a threesome. Being sensitive to this, counselors must be mindful of any bias they have towards fidelity culture or mono-normativity. 

Being polysexual doesn’t mean a person desires to sleep with everyone or that a person is incapable of a romantic of a committed relationship; it’s simply an authentic acceptance of their open sexuality. One of the most widely praised resources in this area is Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton’s third edition (2017) of The Ethical Slut.

Polycules

A polycule includes everyone in a poly relationship network and can be drawn like a genogram. There are many polycule formations depending on the number of people and their relationship to one another. 

To add more complexity, several lexicons are also used to describe polycules. Some use hierarchical terms like primary, secondary, and tertiary partner to communicate certain priorities and power dynamics. Others break from this hierarchy with more descriptive terms like nesting partner (a committed relationship with financial and/or familial investments), partner (an emotionally committed relationship), and play partner (a relationship based off mutual joy). 

Others prefer terms that describe relational placement in a polycule, like amour (life partner), paramour (lover), and metamour (the partner of one’s partner). Some use more traditional language to differentiate their wife from their girlfriend, their husband from their boyfriend, or their boyfriend from their boyfriend’s boyfriend, and so on.  

Admittedly, many people mix and match these monikers as needed. For more lingo and in-depth insight, check out the educational website MoreThan Two, or pick up a copy of Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert’s (2014) More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory.

Whatever language is used, the big thing to understand is how each relationship within a polycule is dynamic, with its own tension and emotional growth points. Everyone has a different set of needs, intentions, attachment styles, levels of commitment, and relational responsibilities—all of which interact with everyone else’s needs, intentions, attachment styles, levels of commitment, and relational responsibilities. Plus, all of these factors naturally change and evolve over time.

Consider the difference between a triad polycule and a vee. In a triad, the three partners interact as a throuple. They may or may not be sexual with each other, but they do interact as a relational unit. A vee style polycule also has three people, where one person dates two people separately. This makes their respective partner’s metamours to each other. 

Some metamours can be close friends and even cohabitate, yet some may barely interact, if they ever meet. The latter example is often called parallel poly, since the metamours do not really talk with each other, even though they’re fully aware of the other’s existence. This kind of compartmentalization can benefit those with rigid boundaries, yet it can also create stress for whoever’s at the fulcrum of the vee. Maintaining two fronts of communication and time management in two separate relationships requires much energy and emotional labor. 

To compare, some polycules (including triads and vees), prefer kitchen table polyamory (KTP), where everyone can sit around a table and openly communicate with each other in a communal way.

There is a common myth that polyamorous people have commitment issues, which couldn’t be further from the truth. If anything, most polycules yield more commitment, communication, scheduling, life goals, relationship milestones, and social responsibilities. Consider how a quad, with four people, actually generates six unique relationships—seven if you include the quad as a whole.

Love, Jealousy, and Compersion

Frustration, pride, excitement, sadness, ecstasy, anger, contentment, and restlessness pop up in any relationship. Yet because monogamous social norms can be internalized as shame or doubt, non-monogamous people can sometimes wrestle with their feelings or seek out counseling to make sense of their emotional process. Some of the most notable examples include a client’s understanding and personal experience of love, jealousy, and compersion.

Love is not only an emotion, it can also be a personal value, a social moral, or a lofty ideal, which is why love can be a lot to unpack. In many affirmative and mindfulness-based modalities, like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and Person-Centered Therapy (PCT), clients are asked to observe their feelings without judgement. 

When one is no longer gatekeeping what is or isn’t “real love,” it becomes apparent that different relationships meet different needs at different stages of one’s life. Some relationships talk long into the night, some understand each other without words, some are very cerebral, some are very physical, some thrive from shared goals, and some thrive on spontaneity.

Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed his triangular theory of love in 1986, deriving seven different forms of love based on their level of intimacy, passion, and commitment: 

• Liking
• Romantic Love
• Companionate
• Infatuation
• Fatuous Love
• Empty Love
• Consumate Love

This concept was, of course, predated by the ancient Greek’s seven forms of love: 

• Eros (Romantic)
• Philia (Friendly)
• Storge (Familial)
• Agape (Selfless)
• Ludus (Playful)
• Pragma (Committed)
• Philautia (Self-Love)

Indeed, there are many interpretations of limerence, lust, affection, and love across the globe, as these feelings and the neurotransmitters behind them are complex and experienced quite differently.

Yet to make room for a client’s authentic feelings, counselors may need to help them address any negative judgments they may have. These may include myths about non-monogamy, from “polyamory isn’t sustainable” to “poly is just cheating” to “poly people just haven’t met the right one yet,” to “poly people aren’t as happy as monogamous people.” 

Shame, embarrassment, and relationship doubt can all crop up, but so too can deeper insecurities pertaining to trust, attachment, comparison, and performance. Addressing such anxiety and doubt is certainly challenging, so it’s important to help clients affirm the love they’re experiencing in the moment while navigating both attachment issues and prior relationship trauma. For more on this, see Jessica Fern’s (2020) Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Non-monogamy.  

Some polycules try to prevent jealousy from occurring by scheduling as much as they can, and while the positive intent is clear, it may be worth shifting the question from “how do we avoid jealousy” to “what do we do when we feel jealous?”  If jealousy is used to consistently ignite argument or manipulate control, it can generate unhealthy relationships. Likewise, if jealousy sets off a chain reaction of insecure beliefs, like “they don’t love me as much” or “I’ve been abandoned” or “they’re trying to steal them away from me,” it can perpetuate an unhealthy view of both self and other. 

Yet like any emotion, jealousy is exacerbated by judgment. Instead of feeling jealous and acting spitefully, or feeling jealous and judging oneself as a “bad person,” it’s possible to use jealousy as the starting gun for introspection and communication. When jealousy emerges, it’s a good time to reflect on one’s insecurities, allow oneself to be vulnerable with one’s partners, and clarify one’s needs to the polycule.

Compersion is the sympathetic joy one feels when they observe their partners enjoying themselves, even if it’s with someone else. Because of this, some regard compersion as the emotional antonym of jealousy. The term was coined in the 1990s by a San Francisco poly-group called the Kerista Community, yet this feeling is quite ancient, as can be seen in the Buddhist muditā (vicarious joy) and Christian agape (selfless love).

Of course, there is no inherent failing if a person does not feel compersion in their relationship, though there may be attachment issues to explore. Likewise, there is no inherent failing if one’s compersion fluctuates. Like any positive emotion, compersion is easier to feel when one’s needs are being met. 

This is not to say a polycule has to be in balance for compersion to exist, yet if a client desires to cultivate compersion in their life, counselors can help them by mindfully appreciating their partner’s needs, as well as their own. It may sound confusing, but it’s possible to feel compersion and jealousy simultaneously. One can feel jealous of how much time their partner is spending with someone else, yet also glad to see them so happy. 

Cognitive defusion practices in ACT, and dialectical exercises in DBT, are both great ways to sift through paradox, understand multifaceted emotions, and move forward with both self-compassion and compassion for others.